31 May Never Lie to Yourself
Most of my life I lied to myself. I constantly told myself I was never good enough; didn’t look good enough, talented enough, smart enough, connected enough or tough enough to really get what I wanted out of life. Growing up, many people reinforced those imprinted ideas in my head by constantly pointing out my flaws and weaknesses. I do not harbor any bad feelings toward them because I had dreams that would stop the Pope in his tracks and do a double take. Imagine living in the rural south, surrounded by acres of farmland and people who never really ventured outside of a 10-mile radius and here comes a little, overweight kid talking about moving to Hollywood, speaking French and traveling the world making everyone happy. My grandparents just listened, laughed and ordered me food from Wolf River Café, the town café in Rossville, TN. Then I would venture into the cornfield where I would stay for hours mentally visioning the future and all the people I would meet.
Life circumstances beat me down to the point where my visions almost went away because I started believing what people were telling me. Where would I get this money from to live in a place like Hollywood? No one who even looked like me was on TV, and definitely no one overweight. My grades were horrible because depression became my bestfriend and aided in my self-deprecation. How could a 10-year even comprehend the thought of suicide? I lived in my head, held everything in and though I outwardly seemed unfazed by the criticism, it completely dominated my thoughts and actions. It wasn’t until years later when I started embracing everything I was told was wrong with me that I learned to never lie to myself again. I told myself that if I were more like them they would like, that was a lie. I told myself that if I starved myself to look thinner they would accept me and that was a lie. I even told myself that if I dreamed in black and white, aspired to goals that made them comfortable and think the way they thought, I would be welcomed with open arms but that was definitely a lie.
My visions of the future became clearer than they had ever been before. They became so clear in fact that I became fearless and non-dependent on the opinions of others. My head was filled with melodies of success, peace and happiness that I didn’t even notice anyone’s contrary opinions about my life or plans. I wanted it all and I be damned if I wasn’t going to get it all. The limitations that I allowed to hinder my goals and dreams were finally taken off. Peace, happiness and personal acceptance were the gifts I always prayed for as a child. I didn’t need anyone else to like me because I liked me. In fact, I loved me! Loving myself meant never lying to myself again. I could have anything I put my mind to. I could have it ALL. I could be an actor, mathematician, entrepreneur and speaker all in one. So what that no one else had done it before, I will do it now. No more will I limit my gifting because it intimidates or scares someone else and neither should you. Step into your gifts and dare others to step into theirs.